Posts from the ‘“Politics”’ Category

Unflattering Photos of Video Game Developers

Yale graduate Jordan Mechner

Square programmer Nasir Gebelli

BioShock designer Ken Levine

Valve co-founder Gabe Newell

Atari founder Nolan Bushnell

Spore creator Will Wright in Paris


 
Disclaimer: The content within this article is entirely fictitious and only meant to be entertaining in a tongue-in-cheek sort of fashion. So, for lawyer’s sake — Please don’t sue!
 
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Yo! Noid – A! Review

Dear Readers, I have to apologize. About… n’yeeeeee six months ago I promised to wax excessive on the merits of the Zelda Oracle games. Actually, you know what? I take that apology back. Looking at the site statistics, it’s become clear to me that the only reason anyone ever visits this site is because they typed Oregon Ducks or Stephen Hawking into a search bar, and instead of actually learning about those subjects, they’re treated to some beanpole blathering about crappy Atari games.

I have to admit, while I’m writing this, I have a window open on a live stream of the Occupy Wall St. “movement” (a misnomer if I ever saw one) in New York City. This thing has been going on for a while, but I still can’t wrap my mind around the idea that a bunch of smelly layabouts are going to change the basic principles of democracy in our country. It’s like trying to cure cancer by watching reruns of Doogie Howser: M.D.; you can kind of see the connection, but it’s still entirely specious.

In the end, the antics of these odorous and onerous dopes may have the impact of a whiffle bat to a pillow, but if they think camping out in the cold for weeks on end and inhaling tear gas makes them feel better, who are we to judge?

Which brings us lovingly to tele-Games 2600‘s review of the NES “classic” (another misnomer) Yo! Noid.

You may remember the Noid; a relic of times past, this creature’s sole purpose in life was to destroy each and every Domino’s Pizza.

What was it with companies that had mascots bent on destroying their products? I mean, I get the idea that their pizzas are so impenetrable that a lunatic in pajamas couldn’t destroy them but it just sounds nutty.

Here’s a commercial for those who don’t quite remember the character:

 

Fucking insane, right? The Noid became so popular, reserved Japanese developer Capcom set out to secure the license from Domino’s and slapped the bunny-eared maniac over some old Japanese game that no one cared about until said bunny-eared maniac was applied.

The story is as follows; Mr. Green (who is basically the Noid wearing green pajamas) is running amok in New York City. Before Mayor Koch has the chance to declare martial law, the Noid steps up to stop his green counterpart.

You know, it’s one thing to center a game around a completely insane premise (a man in red pajamas destroys pizzas); it’s another to reject that completely insane premise and replace it with one just as insane (a man in red pajamas must stop a man in green pajamas from bothering New York). The Noid drops his quest to squish-a da pies in order to stop the Green Scare.

If there was one word that could accurately sum this game up, it would be “average.” It’s a pretty humdrum platformer. You run around, fling yo-yos at scrunchy looking Will Vinton creations, and in between each level, you suffer an excruciatingly boring pizza eating contest with the local gang leader. There’s a bit of strategy involved with these contests, but they become much easier if you know where to find the relevant power-ups within the preceding levels.

The levels are varied enough to keep it somewhat interesting. If it wasn’t for the horrible hit detection on the skateboarding level, and the aforementioned pizza battles, this game would be a lot easier to stomach. But since I’m lactose intolerant, I find Yo! Noid to be twice as painful!

Yo! Noid has one thing going for it. The game perpetuates the fine tradition of “Music to Find Your Wife’s Bloated Corpse to” that NES games did so well. I don’t know what it is, but that crappy sound chip can really bring out the terror in people. Just listen to this:

 

Past entries include the Dragon Warrior overworld music, and that music that plays when you run into a Nintendo employee in Game Boy Camera.

 

 

The game ends with the Noid taking down Mr. Green, and being rewarded with pizzas, which he goes absolutely apeshit over. I don’t get it. This game royally fucks with his baser instincts. Noids destroy pizzas. That’s what they do. That’s all they do.

Oh well, the game only cost me 4 bucks at a used game store.

So, that leaves us with the aforementioned question; If a tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound? Would anyone care if Yo! Noid never existed? Would anyone care if I never wrote another word on this blog GO DUCKS? Probably not, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is what Capcom felt; they loved the Noid so much they wanted to honor him, by golly. And I love being stupid on a WordPress blog, and by gum I’m a-gonna keep a-doin’ it.

Though you may be schizophrenic, Noid, you will not be forgotten.


In researching this post, I couldn’t help but laugh at the story of Kenneth Lamar Noid. He was just a simple man who wanted $100,000 for all the “anguish” he’s had to endure all his life.

I’m sure if he were alive today, Kenneth would be on Wall Street…

…having his teeth knocked out with a police baton.