Over the past couple of years, I’ve accrued a fair amount of e-mails sent by readers. I’d like to address these e-mails today, even though there’s a good chance the people who sent these in won’t read the responses, ’cause they gave up on this blog awhile back.


Dear Writer,

Why does Mario turn Mexican when he gets the hammer suit in Super Mario Bros. 3?

Jasan’s Acronym Spells A Name

A:  Well, JASAN, at first I didn’t believe you, but the evidence is overwhelming; the Hammer Suit does indeed turn Mario in a Latino. But we mustn’t feel prejudice toward our Mexican plumber friend, for he has just as much right to be on this Earth as Frog Suit Mario, Metal Mario, or Indian Native American Mario.


Dear Writer,

How come in Donkey Kong Jr. Math does Donkey Kong Jr. have a twin with vitiligo?

Aggravating Pink Epidermis

A: Hey, can we cool with these kinds of questions? It’s making me uncomfortable.


Dear Writer,

Why is Bill Clinton on the cover of Tommy Lasorda Baseball?

Capitol Hill is Pretty Political, Yo

A: Thank Christ, this isn’t about his skin color. Well, CHIPPY, you may be shocked to find out that’s NOT Bill Clinton on the cover, but former manager of the Dodgers, Tommy Lasorda. Now, I have irrefutable proof:

1. Nowhere on the cover does it say “Bill Clinton.” It does however say “Tommy Lasorda.”

2. This picture clearly shows that Bill Clinton is an Orioles fan, and not a SEGA fan, so don’t bother chatting him up with questions regarding the 32X.

3. During Clinton’s infamous 4 hour speech to the Democratic National Convention in 1988, sandwiched between his recipe for a Pulled Pork Salad and repeating his entire speech up to that point in Pig Latin, Clinton said this:

“By the way, that’s not me on the cover of Tommy Lasorda Baseball for the Sega Nintendo.”

QED.


All right, I think that covers every letter I’ve received since I started this thing. If you have any questions regarding your favorite video games, please don’t hesitate to shove that e-mail somewhere else. Goodnight, Dear Reader!

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