Archive for February, 2012

Unflattering Photos of Video Game Developers

Yale graduate Jordan Mechner

Square programmer Nasir Gebelli

BioShock designer Ken Levine

Valve co-founder Gabe Newell

Atari founder Nolan Bushnell

Spore creator Will Wright in Paris

Disclaimer: The content within this article is entirely fictitious and only meant to be entertaining in a tongue-in-cheek sort of fashion. So, for lawyer’s sake — Please don’t sue!

Noid Noid Noid Noid Noid


♥♥♥ Videogame Hotties!! ♥♥♥

Let’s face it, Dear Reader. Being a videogaming enthusiast has its severe drawbacks. There’s nothing worse than realizing your hobby has turned your pallor from sickly white to translucent. Or like finding out that the amount of money you’ve spent toward your complete Sega Saturn collection could’ve bought an island in the Caribbean.

Or finally coming to terms with the fact that the opposite sex has zero interest in dating anyone who can name all the Koopa Kids, and argue why Bowser Jr. doesn’t count.

Indeed, the life of the joystick jockey is a lonely, barren existence. Well, fret not, Dear Reader. In the vein of a Tiger Beat-style tweeny-boppy-zoppy magazine, tele-games 2600 would like to chase away those lovelorn blues with a Valentine’s Day post on real-life Videogame Hotties! Throw away that life-sized Morrigan pillow (or at least give it to someone who could really use it, like a twelve year old boy) and swoon over these actual, flesh and blood, human people! Yes, living, breathing organisms who work with videogames and are handsome/beautiful while they do it!

♥♥♥ David Perry ♥♥♥

David Perry is the man behind the worm —  Earthworm Jim, that is! Armed with his trusty sniper scope, “Dave” (as he likes to be called) is always on the lookout for a girl to call his lass. This Irish dreamboat only has “éires” for someone who doesn’t play games with his heart! Remember, MDK doesn’t stand for Murder Death Kill, it stands for My Darling Kitten! ♥♥♥

  • Likes: Visiting Irish castles, red wine, algorithms for data compression
  • Dislikes: Prima-donnas, rubber keyboards

♥♥♥ Richard Garriott ♥♥♥

Speaking of sexy Europeans, Richard Garriott a.k.a. Lord British is a real jewel. Richard’s success in conquering the computer gaming kingdom afforded him his very own castle! And don’t think he’s stuck in the dark ages either! This wealthy prince spent $30 million from his own wealth to travel in space! Regardless, those who know him assure us that this cosmonaut is still very down to Earth! “I w[ould very much like to call someone my Queen],” he says. Are you up to the Ultima-te challenge?

  • Likes: Adventuresome girls, evenings by the fireplace
  • Dislikes: Ice queens, being killed in-game

♥♥♥ Jen Taylor ♥♥♥

Not only this girl a princess, she’s a real peach, too! Jen Taylor (or “Jenny” as she likes to be called) is a talented voice over actress who has lent her voice to some of the most popular videogame characters of all time, like Cortana from the Halo series. And believe us, this jaw-dropper is anything but holographic! Although Jenny is very sweet, this girl has no problem saying what’s on her mind — cross her and she’ll give you an ear full!

  • Likes: Talking, other things
  • Dislikes: “Space cases” (LOL!)

♥♥♥ Cliff Bleszinski ♥♥♥

Watch out, girls! Cliff Bleszinski (or “CliffyB” as he likes to be called) is a real Gears-head! Sporting a well-trimmed hairdo and flashing his totally crushworthy smile, this cutie may look Unreal, but make no mistake, he ain’t no polygonal mesh! A night on the town for this ladykiller may quickly turn into a “killing spree” if you know what we mean! So capture this flag, and take him back to your base, before someone else does! 😉

  • Likes: Girls who “shoot straight,” customizable evenings
  • Dislikes: Cheaters

♥♥♥ Roberta Williams ♥♥♥

Gaming royalty in her own right, the Queen behind the King’s Quest series is considered one of the pioneers of adventure games! The beautiful Lady Roberta (or… uh… “Rob” as she probably likes to be called) admits that the search for Prince Charming is a quest in itself! “There are too many ogres and trolls in this business, and I’m not trying to be cute. Why the hell are computer people so goddamn ugly? I’m mean, really, I was at CES last year and most of the attendees would make a pig’s poop-encrusted anus seem pleasant to look at, ” she says. What can we say? This princess has it all: beauty, brains and a sense of humor to boot!

  • Likes: Fantasy novels, macaroons and tea in the afternoon, Phantasmagoria
  • Dislikes: Self-absorbed jerks, pornography


Disclaimer: The content within this article is entirely fictitious and only meant to be entertaining in a tongue-in-cheek sort of fashion. So, for lawyer’s sake — Please don’t sue!