Xbox One
Way to go, Microsoft. Out of an infinite number of names for your new system, you managed to pick the name of the first one.
Reader Mail
Over the past couple of years, I’ve accrued a fair amount of e-mails sent by readers. I’d like to address these e-mails today, even though there’s a good chance the people who sent these in won’t read the responses, ’cause they gave up on this blog awhile back.
Dear Writer,
Why does Mario turn Mexican when he gets the hammer suit in Super Mario Bros. 3?
- Jasan’s Acronym Spells A Name
A: Well, JASAN, at first I didn’t believe you, but the evidence is overwhelming; the Hammer Suit does indeed turn Mario in a Latino. But we mustn’t feel prejudice toward our Mexican plumber friend, for he has just as much right to be on this Earth as Frog Suit Mario, Metal Mario, or Indian Native American Mario.
Dear Writer,
How come in Donkey Kong Jr. Math does Donkey Kong Jr. have a twin with vitiligo?
- Aggravating Pink Epidermis
A: Hey, can we cool with these kinds of questions? It’s making me uncomfortable.
Dear Writer,
Why is Bill Clinton on the cover of Tommy Lasorda Baseball?
- Capitol Hill is Pretty Political, Yo
A: Thank Christ, this isn’t about his skin color. Well, CHIPPY, you may be shocked to find out that’s NOT Bill Clinton on the cover, but former manager of the Dodgers, Tommy Lasorda. Now, I have irrefutable proof:
1. Nowhere on the cover does it say “Bill Clinton.” It does however say “Tommy Lasorda.”
2. This picture clearly shows that Bill Clinton is an Orioles fan, and not a SEGA fan, so don’t bother chatting him up with questions regarding the 32X.
3. During Clinton’s infamous 4 hour speech to the Democratic National Convention in 1988, sandwiched between his recipe for a Pulled Pork Salad and repeating his entire speech up to that point in Pig Latin, Clinton said this:
“By the way, that’s not me on the cover of Tommy Lasorda Baseball for the Sega Nintendo.”
QED.
All right, I think that covers every letter I’ve received since I started this thing. If you have any questions regarding your favorite video games, please don’t hesitate to shove that e-mail somewhere else. Goodnight, Dear Reader!
A Howard & Nester “Tribute”
Some background info: A while back on Facebook, Howard Phillips of Nintendo Power fame held a contest for artists to submit tribute comics about the magazine’s most fondly remembered feature, Howard & Nester. So, as I’m wont to do on occasion, I gathered my Micron pens, scrawled on some Bristol board, and submitted this. It’s not quite a tribute in the traditional sense – aside from being nicely illustrated and stodgily written, my lasting impression from the original H&N was that this full-grown man wouldn’t leave this prepubescent alone because of his lousy NES skills.
I didn’t win first place, and deservedly so.
A Plea from Us to You
Yesterday, I ran across a copy of Cobra Triangle for the NES at a Goodwill for a dollar. At first, I was elated, until I got home and glanced at the back of the cartridge…
Turns out this particular copy of Cobra Triangle has been misplaced by one Jake Buchanan! Now, I could theorize for hours over how this happened. Perhaps some crack-addled crackhead broke in to Mr. Buchanan’s house and stole his copy of Cobra Triangle, hoping it would fetch hundreds of dollars at Goodwill while being oblivious to the fact that Goodwill doesn’t offer money for anything. Maybe the inflow of donations to Goodwill has slowed to a trickle, causing the company to hire professional thieves to break into people’s houses and steal their wares, I dunno. The point is this:
Jake Buchanan is missing his copy of Cobra Triangle!
This is where you come in, Dear Reader. tele-games 2600 is all about being altruistic and honest, and I would assume that our readers are similarly selfless. So, if you happen to know a Jake Buchanan that recently had his copy of Cobra Triangle nicked, please contact us by leaving a comment below. With your help, Mr. Buchanan will once again be able to fire bullets from a motorized boat in a game designed for a nearly thirty year old system. Thank you.
Unflattering Photos of Video Game Developers
Yale graduate Jordan Mechner
Square programmer Nasir Gebelli
BioShock designer Ken Levine
Valve co-founder Gabe Newell
Atari founder Nolan Bushnell
Spore creator Will Wright in Paris
Disclaimer: The content within this article is entirely fictitious and only meant to be entertaining in a tongue-in-cheek sort of fashion. So, for lawyer’s sake — Please don’t sue!
February 28, 2012
J.S.
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Categories: "Humor", "Politics", Atari, History, Photoshop, Uncategorized
